26 January 2008 - today 2nd training day.. did not feel unwell.. did not have any kind of giddy spells..

morning went for a short training session with the grls in sch by our own(no instructors).. was being told off many times.. everybody kept reminding mi
"jasmine you are at the front kno... you do any mistake ar.. its gg to bring the whole team down.."
i know.. but my body woundnt listen.. so much so that to a certain point i realli feel stupid and retarded... knowing its that position that is pictured in my head why cant i do it??!! the focus of todays mistakes are all on ME... i dun mind them saying.. seriously.. its the oni way i kno wat is wrong and improve.. but its realli so... depressin.. it seems like im the only one making mistakes..

went for evening training @Osch.. daniel [our instructor] taught us new choro.. im oso not catching up the speed of learning.. and my mistakes became realli obvious.. i was told off again.. by daniel this time.. im not remembering the steps... my body seem to be moving in the wrong way.. it was so bad.. daniel asked mi "can not? if not i have to change ppl" i knod... cuz i wanna try.. but during the course is always difficult.. i kept asking myself if i realli wanna do this? why am i suffering like that? no answers...

my body is now pushed to such an extend that simple things that are taken for granted like bowing my head down to eat.. gg to the toilet.. keeping my head straight.. picking up something on the floor seemed like impossible task.. even slping is painful.. but i would hit the bed and dun care.. im too tired to be bothered by the pain..

i dunno if im keeping myself busy (optimistic) or tiring myself to ashes (pessimistic of cuz).. take for example friday.. i have work from 9-12.. den i rush to class at 2.. after class i go for tuition... when im finally done.. this realli too late and too tired.. thinking that i have dance training the nxt day seemed to be a horror...

whenever i think of training now.. i start to get afraid.. afraid to be said... afraid to make mistakes.. afraid of lagging behind.. afraid of cuzing my frenz to repeat over and over again juz cuz of mi... my frenz say i have to get over all this.. practice and be confident... i agree.. but easier said den done.. when you are not the one infront... not the one being said by ur peers... not the center of focus for mistakes..


i wanna cont but its getting tiring...

.